Before I went to bed, my mother said something to me that kept me up all night. "No matter what age, you will always be my little girl." I laughed and gave her a hug while she wished me a happy early birthday. I starting thinking about how birthdays just arn't the same for me now that I'm old and on the brink of death... Okay so fine, I'm totally being over dramatic about this, STAY with me now!
When you're young, your birthday is a big deal. The cake is already made, the presents are already warped and you think nothing of the process it took to bring that all together. Every year, I woke up to my cake, a card, a present and breakfast. Yesterday while in the grocery store with my mom, she turned around and asked me "What kind of cake would you like tomorrow?" I was crushed! She had never asked me what kind of cake I wanted, she always knew! Then, it hit me. I'd be waking up to make my breakfast alone, and heading to work where no one really cares about my birthday... Wait what? THIS IS DEPRESSING! Hold the phone so that I can bask in this moment for a second:
My mom went through absolute hell and back to throw me parties and bake the most extravagant cake that she could construct with her own two hands. For my 9th birthday, I wanted a three tier cake with baby pink frosting. What I failed to take into account was that my mother was in excruciating pain because she had developed a herniated disc in her lower back. This disc was now pinching the nerves and causing severe back spasms. She literally cried into my cake while icing it, stood hunched over this cake like it was a masterpiece (which it was) still trying to perfect every tier. While 20 people gathered to sing me happy birthday, my mother carried out the cake without a single tear, sign of pain or a complaint to be heard.
How is it that my mother stood there with a smile on her face and without a single sign of sadness or pain, and I'm sitting here complaining about not waking up to a present and freaking BREAKFAST? What is wrong with this picture... What is wrong with ME? I shouldn't be bitching over my birthday not being what it used to. I'm going to be happy that I had a mother who went through so much trouble to make my birthdays something I will never forget. A mother who has taught me valuable lessons about self growth and respect. A mother who simply asked me what kind of cake I wanted because her little girl has changed over the years and didn't want a basic chocolate cake but now wanted a lemon one.
I am grateful that I have another year to live. Grateful that my mother is still as amazing as ever, and grateful that I'm now nineteen! Not a single complaint, tear or frown in sight.
I took a huge pointer from Amelia, and pulled myself out of this mini birthday/age depression. I took the time to make a list of things that I've learned (this year) and a list of things that I've come to love.
1. I am a better person then I was last year. No I haven't changed, people don't change. They simply choose how they want to be seen, I have done just that. I let emotion out when needed instead of harboring it. I am more bold and outspoken. I don't lie, cheat, steal my way into things like I've done in the past. I stopped letting others run my life and realized that I am truly an amazing person: I should let people get to know me and if they don't want to, that is fine too!
2. I do not "date" and I don't like the term "dating." Do people even go on "dates" anymore? Anyways, I haven't been in a relationship for over a year, and to be honest I haven't really thought much about trying to get into one. I have a few amazing guy friends and some guys who I'm sure wouldn't mind "dating" me, but i haven't thought about it at all. You always here people say "when it's meant to happen, it will happen" but I'm not even looking for it to happen lmao, I'm kind of in an asexual space right now!
3. Surround yourself with people who aim higher then expected. Who are motivated and passionate about what they do. It will drive you to reach your dreams. My friend is going to be a doctor, gynecologist to be exact. I have no doubt in my mind she will do it. I'm going to be a designer, it will expand online and become successful. I have no doubt that I will achieve this because I refuse to be the unsuccessful friend out of the bunch and I will not let my dream die!
4. I cannot personally change people because people don't change themselves. No matter how much you'd like to get rid of that one trait someone has, that annoys you to your very core, you cannot change them! They will always be that person more or less, and all you can do it learn to accept it or respect it and move on. The person I was at 16 is pretty much me for the rest of life no matter how much I'd like to deny it lol.
5. I dress for myself, and myself only. No one in their right mind would wear what I put on my body sometimes. I'm not claiming to be unique or different, I'm just dressing for me. Cropped pants in the winter with chunky mens socks, a bill Crosby sweater & a huge fur hat?... I get some awkward looks on the bus, let me tell you! No one wants to bang the chick who looks like a fox-bird-hat wearing, tall-giraffe-esq, Bill-Crosby looking hybrid but I wear it with confidence, because I wore it for me and I enjoy the way things look on my body.
1. BEING A FREAKING RED HEAD! I like it a little too much... Like seriously, when does the narcissism stop, does anyone know?
2. Hipster backgrounds I don't know what it is but I love them. My favorite site to get them from is Totally Severe. My computer, phone, twitter and blog backgrounds are all from there lol.
3. Being able to buy booze legally. Yes I went and bought booze the morning of my 19th birthday, don't you dare judge me! I've bought booze before without being carded but there is something very grown up feeling about going into a liquor store, having to whip out your ID to prove you can legally drink what you're buying, and coming out with bottles of booze. Sounds stupid but yeah... LOL
4. Cheese. My mom bought this new mozzarella cheese called "mozzarellaisima" and oh sweet Jesus is this stuff good. I have melted cheese over just about everything in my house that can be eaten with cheese, and some combination's that I don't recommend.
5. Rihanna She is fabulous. I love her style, I'm loving the new album. I'm not so in love with her live performance, but I cannot deny my love for her songs. I'm not ashamed or proud of it, I just love everything about her.